Help! The Thanksgiving Turkey burned! How do you tell your guests you ruined Thanksgiving dinner? Easy. Since “Thanksgiving Quotes” is trending on Google today, there’s more than plenty of social media material to go around. Crack a few Thanksgiving jokes, fire off some funny one-liners, and take the heat off the turkey. What else can you do but laugh in a situation like this? The Thanksgiving Turkey might be toast, but there’s still a pan of sausage stuffing and giblet gravy, and plenty of Thanksgiving jokes to be found online.
These funny Thanksgiving quotes can be used to break the ice, in tense situations, awkward periods of silence, or just to get a belly laugh out of your guests. Fire off a few funny Thanksgiving jokes at the Thanksgiving table and watch Aunt Mary crack up!
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” – Jon Stewart
“Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, ‘How long has Mom been drinking like this?’ My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, Here, kitty, kitty.” – David Letterman
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” – Michael Dresser
“Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” – Johnny Carson
“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” – Erma Bombeck
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” – Erma Bombeck
“But see, in our open clearings, how golden the melons lie; Enrich them with sweets and spices, and give us the pumpkin-pie!” – Margaret Junkin Preston
Funny Thanksgiving One-Liners
“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” – Phyllis Diller
“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.” – Rita Rudner
“I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.” – Todd Barry
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” – Irv Kupcinet
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” – Kevin James
“Here I am 5 o’clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt.” – Roseanne Barr
“On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – halftime.” – Author Unknown
“One distinguishing mark of an unregenerate man is ingratitude.” – E. J. Conrad
“We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” – George Carlin
Silly Thanksgiving Turkey Jokes
Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks
Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
A: Boy! I’m stuffed!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken’s day off.
Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use such FOWL language
Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey trot
Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock
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Thanksgiving in Rhode Island
Looking for some ideas for Thanksgiving in Rhode Island? The Providence Journal has tons of Thanksgiving ideas for recipes, crafts, events, and even restaurants, just in case you DO happen to burn the Thanksgiving turkey! Check them out!
Sources: Brainy Quote; Quote Garden
Photo: morgueFile by bosela