While we women may not always be referenced as among the brightest stars twinkling in the Intellectual Galaxy, there is one feat wives married to the military privately pride themselves on accomplishing brilliantly. Especially when they’re sitting sipping lattes together in a quaint Norfolk cafe discussing their most intimate relationships with – yup, their men.
Now, husbands might think it’s how cleverly we recycle lackluster leftovers five days before payday into exotic, new entrees. How we consistently rouse them from a dead sleep, pushing them out the door in time for muster every morning. How stealthily we slip virgin pairs of BVDs into that gnarly stack of “oldies but goodies” these guys lovingly cling to in their underwear drawer (which, needless to say, mysteriously manage to visit the inside of the household trashcan, one cheesy pair at a time).
Nope. Not even close.
Every active duty wife out there knows precisely what I’m referring to: The gentle, delightfully-persuasive female subterfuge we resort to whenever we want the uniformed men in our lives to perform for us in such a way that their own staunch male principles are immediately kicked right to the curb.
In plain English, getting our military men to do what we want when we want them to do it.
For instance, when we strike that darling, female pouty-face because we’d love jalapenos and green olives strewn across that monstruous pizza you’re in the process of ordering, even though you’d love to stick to the “meat and ‘shroom” basics.
When we turn those imploring, puppy-dog eyes in your direction, beseeching you to put the toilet seat down after you stagger to the bathroom at 2 AM and would much rather leave it in the position you’re convinced it belongs: forever UP.
When we want the baby’s dirty diaper changed, tampons purchased on your way home from the base, the living room
carpet vacuumed and dishes unloaded from the dishwasher as we sneak in a late-afternoon nap pleading a headache or menstrual cramps.
Not to mention the 101 other “make-me-happy, honey” services we induce you ‘rough and tough’ guys into performing for us, whether we actually need you to or not.
We adore you guys, don’t get me wrong.
We live for the way you scoop us into your big, strong hands and toss us exuberantly into the air as if we were NFL footballs whenever you get promoted. How you buy us goofy kitchen gadgets and offer them up as romantic Christmas gifts. How you bring home expensive swathes of flimsy nightwear from Victoria’s Secret for us on Valentine’s Day – stuff even Pamela Anderson wouldn’t be caught dead trying to sleep in.
How you affectionately yell, “Yo, slack-meister!” and embarrass us publicly while clobbering members of your own gender with hairy hamhock slugs whenever you unexpectedly collide shopping carts with a shipmate during a typical Saturday afternoon expedition through Wal-Mart.
While military men might be inclined to think that making their wives happy shouldn’t be a bend-over-backwards challenge requiring complete surrender from their side of the relationship playing field (relationships are supposed to be full-fledged partnerships in this modern day and age, after all) – why, then, should they allow themselves to be so easily manipulated by us into such loving servitude?
Face it: Putting forth the effort to make us happy, means you’re destined to be twice as happy in the long run. You’re sure to reap serious dividends in the way of love, affection and those delectable pleasure-induced ‘unmentionables’ you live for after “lights out” from the investment of doing what we want, when we want.
Those military men among you who are the most relationship-worthy already accept this basic fact of Life between the sexes. Not only do these guys believe whole-heartedly in the theory that Military Man acquiescing to the whims and desires of Woman is a truly beautiful thing, they also know it’s their own personal insurance that their own needs will be taken care of, too.
Without having to spend more nights than necessary wrestling with a ratty old blanket and lumpy cushions trying to get some sleep out on the couch.
While many of my own gender will blast me for divulging classified female secrets here, I feel compelled to share the following, the stuff you guys need to know about us, things you may find about as hard to believe as the Redskins making the playoffs, but I assure you this information is 100 percent true.
We don’t always tell men the real deal.
I know this is incredibly hard to believe, considering how we insist during the romantic stages of our relationships with you that we never, ever, EVER lie.
Of course we lie. We are outright, bold face liars from the minute you call us and say, “I’d love to take you to the Tides game tonight. You do like baseball, don’t you?” and we gush, “Honey, I was born behind Home Plate,” even though we’d sooner sit and watch paint peel.
Or you look at us at the end of the second date and sigh, “You’re incredible. Just the kind of woman I can show the rat’s nest I call ‘home’ which you might want to know was condemned by the Health Department last week,” and we ooze, “I appreciate a man’s natural habitat.” (Oh you betcha, as if we’re actually going to allow you to take any portion of that “rat’s nest” into a long-term relationship with us.)
We don’t always want you to agree with us and give us what we want.
This is where your own Amazing Kreskin skills have to come into play, enabling you to decipher between a) those times when we want you roll over like trained seals and please us from morning till night and b) those other times – rare, but still highly significant – when we don’t want you to give an inch.
You’re just going to have to learn by trial and error on this one, pal. We can’t reveals the ‘ins and outs’ of the game plan here because we basically make it up as we go along!
You aren’t always the man of our dreams we so ardently insist that you are.
Something about that inbred male nuclear gas-passing in the middle of the night has a way of unclouding a blissful, dream-cluttered female mind like you wouldn’t believe. But we’ll deal with it, even try to accept it as long as you pretend to be embarrassed and apologize profusely for it.
We never forget.
We try, goodness knows, we do – but the harsh reality is the female mind is incapable of forgetting anything. Our mental processes insist from the moment we draw breath in this world to file and catalogue every detail, every word, every event that has ever occurred since man invented the wheel. (Remember this when you try to argue with us about something you did five years ago.)
What we say and what we mean can be entirely different things.
For instance, when we say, “Honey, I need three things from the store,” we are really saying, “I need three things from the store – until I think of one more thing while you are gone, at which time I will tell you that you were supposed to get four things, even though you thought I ‘meant’ only three.”
When this happens, guys, go with the flow. Say, “Yes, sweetie/honey/dollface/cutie pie,” and without a fuss, give in and fetch her that fourth thing. Give her those four things with a bodaceous smile on your face and let the disagreement go over whether it was three things or four things you were supposed to buy completely.
You can’t win by insisting there never was a fourth thing to get at the store. You can’t win by reminding her that three years ago she tried the same manipulative manuever but you were too sharp to fall for the “get three things, but I really meant four things” rigmarole. If you truly love the woman in your life, let her think she’s affectionatley persuaded you into doing what she wants, when she wants you to do it.
You’ll be happier – far, far happier – in the long long.
Trust me on this…I know!