Let’s have some fun here, boys and girls! It seems that people who aren’t crazy about Valentine’s Day should get equal time. In that spirit, your favorite crusty chronicler has compiled a list of some of the worst love songs ever. In no particular order, here they are:
1. “Muskrat Love”–Captain and Tennille (1976): Yours truly’s ex-wife sent this song on a music mix she made for moi. That’s not why it’s here though, folks. As it turns out, an online survey revealed this to be one of the top “worst” tunes, too. Mind you, your favorite music man isn’t opposed to boffing like beasts, he just prefers “doggy’ as opposed to muskrat, mmmkay?
2. “Love The One You’re With”—Stephen Stills (1970): This was a hit and has been covered by several other acts over the years but the old hippy idea of sexual revolution kinda went out with Herpes and AIDS. Besides, do you really think your mate would be impressed by your playing this song on VD? Does your mate really want to know that you think it’s okay to boink someone else if he/she is not available?
3. “My Heart Will Go On”—Celine Dion (1998): Your heart will go on . . . when? After you unfairly kick me to the curb because I lost my job? What? It’s just plain lame and unless your mate is naked and holding a cocktail when this is playing you really need to turn it off! Canadian acts have done better; trust me!
4. “I’m a Slave 4 U”—Britney Spears (2001): Yes, when your favorite record reviewer’s daughter was younger and not the teen with attitude she is now he did indeed search the internet and the indie record sotres high and low for Spears’ rarities, imports, mash-ups and bootlegs but seriously don’t most straight/ bi guys and bi/gay gals turn on her videos and turn down the volume? Not knocking this tune for the titular attitude. Who doesn’t enjoy having a love slave on a regular basis? Truth is the track is over-produced and if not for music going so visual with the dawning of MTV this little girl would never have made it out of the Mickey Mouse Club.
5. “Afternoon Delight”–Starland Vocal Band (1976): Someone online thinks the problem with this song is that parts of it get stuck in your head. The real problem is the underlying message to the song. Someone doesn’t realize that if someone is doing you in the afternoon it just might be because there’s someone better to spend the whole night with, mmmkay?
6. “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)”–Meat Loaf (1993): Apparently this track comes up on a lot of “worst” lists. The fact that the song mentions an exception or a vague conditional isn’t the only problem with it. It also was nowhere near as good as much of his earlier material to boot! (Come to think of it, there are a couple other Meatloaf “love” songs that could be included here a well . . .)
7. “(You’re) Having My Baby”—Paul Anka (1974): This song contains some faulty logic. A woman who is having your baby isn’t showing in “a wonderful way” how much she loves you, guys. She is showing you that she doesn’t want to support herself like we MEN have to do. She is showing how much the system is designed to favor women whether they deserve it or not! Besides, politics aside, pregnant women are only a turn-on to fetishists and to the men who actually impregnated a woman . . . at best!
8. “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You”–Bryan Adams (1991): Sure, this might be okay to put on a seduction CD but only if the woman you want is an Adams fan or likes wimpy guys who cow tow to women. Otherwise, this reporter must agree with another online critic who said the song is the “musical equivalent of H1N1 to manly men everywhere.”
9. “I’ll Make Love To You”—Boyz II Men (1994): This might be a seduction song if the woman you’re with pays no attention to the lyrics because you move as quickly and smoothly as your favorite music maven. However, it can be a little monotonous and a lot of girls just might not immediately get moist the minute they hear lines like: “Girl are you ready, it’s gonna be a long night”.
10. “I Will Follow Him”–Peggy March (1963):When you think about it this tune’s main character could be just a tad obsessed. When you think about the girl in this song as a mental patient yo can’t help but see how creepy it can be. Would you really want a girlfriend who sings: “Near him I always must be/ And nothing can keep him from me/He is my destiny.” That mindset could just make it tough to go out to the strip bar with your buds, right? (Sure, for nuns in the film Sister Act it’s cool but remember only Gene Simmons has ever scored with a nun.)
11. “You’re Beautiful”–James Blunt (2005): The vocals are sometimes little more than caterwauling which would be okay if you—unlike this critic—are incapable of seeing better than Blunt. If your lady likes guys with self-esteem then this could still work. Then again, the tune doesn’t even have a happy ending, your crusty chronicler sure enjoys a “happy ending” especially on a holiday.
12. “Every Breath You Take”–The Police (1983): This song is a classic. It’s a hit. As a VD tune, however, it would be a bad choice. After all, the singer is obsessed with his EX-wife. (Besides, young girls who know little of pop culture often find it “creepy”.
13. “When You Close Your Eyes”–Night Ranger(1983): Again, it’s not about a song being cool or a hit. The question is: is this a good love song? Since it was on at least one list of “worst” love songs, you probably don’t want to use this cut unless your love is a huge Night Ranger fan.
14. “Sometimes When We Touch”—Dan Hill (1977): Your crusty chronicler is all about touching women on VD and any other day. Still, as many others have noted, the song is a bit insipid. Besides, these days with the high divorce rate, do you really want your lover to think you want to hold him/her ‘til you die?
15. “Truly”–Lionel Ritchie(1992): This is a tune that’s high on some “worst” lists as well. He might have something worth including on a VD compilation but this one is certainly not it.
16. “Little Green Apples”—O. C. Smith (1968) –The song was a hit and it was covered by a lot of different artists. However, as a love song it is lacking. While the use of the word “Indianapolis” in a song may be impressive to some, this one is schmaltzy without anything special to inspire a woman to throw herself into your arms (or bed).
17. “I Need A Girl (Part 1)”—P. Diddy & Usher (2002): Yeah, most GOOD love songs don’t use the word “sh*t”. Most good love songs aren’t sung by guys who call their women “bitches” on a regular basis. . . at least not before they get them into bed!
18. “I Swear”—All 4 One (1994): The boys had a hit here but it just doesn’t sound sincere. Singing to a girl is great but making promises you really cannot keep—like “I’ll build your dreams with these two hands”. Come on! If you have to buy your date more than a Happy Meal . . .
19. “I Adore Mi Amore”—Color Me Badd (1991): Can you not tell just from the cutesy title? Great R&B tunes are great for VD! This, track, however, is not anywhere near a truly great R&B tune. Sometimes “bad” just means bad.
20. “People”—Barbara Streisand (1964): A love song that is not sung to anyone specific person automatically comes into question. Furthermore, as one online critic noted: “being dependent on other people makes you very lucky; but the people whom you’re depending on really aren’t so lucky and probably want to get rid of you”.
So there you have it, folks. If you truly want to protest the holiday you can always burn a CD containing some of the worst love songs for Valentine’s Day. As always, I’ve worked things out so you have room to include your own favorites! Hope you have a good time whether you believe in the holiday or not!
My name is Phoenix and . . . that’s the bottom line.